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The Crack Alchemist

Now, Where Was I?

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Too damned early for some wise-cracking title...
btled
crack_alchemist
Series Title: Battlefield
Series Rating:: PG - NC-17
Main Characters:Edward Elric, Jean Havoc
Other Characters: Various other members of the Peanut Gallery called Fullmetal Alchemist
Word Count:2,330
Warning Yaoi; consensual, underaged sex (once they get around it); potential overdosing of crrrrack.

Synopsis: Ed wonders how he can retrieve his dignity from under that rock.



Author's Notes: Companion/Sequel to Games Without Frontiers. I think you can read this without having read that (especially if you’re not into het!fic), but here's the link to the GWF.

The story is completely AU. My own little private timeline; my own private little world. Yeah, and, just to add, my own little crackpot theories. Nothing else related to any episode of any kind, except the usage of the character(s) in question, though some events in some episodes will be used out of context as artistic license. I try not to make the events I use too spoilerish, but if I can’t help it, you’ll get a warning. Commentary is certainly welcome and tends to make me go “you like me! you really like me!”



Battlefield Twelve

Part 13: I Feel Like I’ve Been Locked Up Tight for a Century of Lonely Nights

Ed wondered if there was anything such as a reverse human transmutation. Then he could send the son of a bitch following him to wherever all of the rest of the botched human transmutations went.

He’d never felt so mortified in his entire life. Never. He supposed that the Lieutenant thought it was hilarious to set him up for that... that... Well, he knew better than to confide in anyone else ever again. Any questions he had, he would find out from a book. Or by himself. Or he just wouldn’t find out.

“Boss.”

Ed ignored the slightly apologetic voice trailing him. It was only for the man’s safety. If he didn’t, he would have been tempted to transmute a street lamp into the man’s skull. A brothel. The man had taken him to a brothel and just left him hanging up there in that room with that woman.

“Hey.”

Just a few more steps and he’d be on a familiar street and could leave the bastard alone.

“C’mon, Ed...”

The wires connecting the nerves in his arm to the automail picked up the feeling of Havoc’s hand closing around his upper arm. Before he could stop it, before he could reach back and slug the man with his flesh arm (because breaking Havoc's jaw wasn't exactly the plan), he was being dragged into a small place that, when he looked around, he realized was an all night noodle shop. He looked at the tables – all but two were empty – and his stomach chose that moment to remind him that it was pretty empty. The gurgle could be heard around the small shop.

“C’mon,” Havoc pulled him into one of the empty tables and waved at the server. “Noodles,” he told the aproned man. “Lots of them. Now.”

Ed leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms across his chest, refusing to meet the other man’s questioning look. He’d eat on the man’s cenz, but he would be damned if he talked to the bastard, especially after what he’d just gone through.

Well, at least the woman cleaned him up afterward. Even if afterward was only a few seconds after the whole thing started. And at least the woman was nice enough not to laugh at him. Oh, right, but then she’d probably been paid not to laugh.

He wished the floor would open up and swallow him.

He was well into his third bowl of noodles before he even felt like listening to the man’s apologies. Something about the man’s father doing the same thing when he’d asked about the same kind of thing and it working just fine. How he hadn’t meant to offend Ed in any way. Mellowed by the food in his stomach, Ed was more prone to forgiveness than moments previous.

“Just... shut up, okay?” He didn’t quite know how to describe his feelings on the subject. The abject humiliation had given way to something more resembling confusion than anything else, but he wasn’t sure how to put it in words.

Earlier, when he’d attacked the library, looking for anything on the subject of handjobs, he’d found what he’d been looking for in a slim volume tucked discreetly among some anatomy books. He’d read what the strict, textbook defined of the word and had immediately gotten a picture in his head. The problem was, the hand he envisioned moving up and down his... hadn’t been delicately-made with blood red painted fingertips like the blonde's in the brothel.

It had been a stronger hand, a large hand, with capable fingers and interesting calluses along the palm and fingers, that made his knees weak.

Uncomfortably quite like the hand that was laying on the table in front of him, belonging to the man sitting in front of him. The same guy who had taken his breath away just that morning, totally against his will. He watched Havoc weave the cigarette between his fingers for a moment before sticking it into his mouth, then he looked away quickly, a rush of... he didn’t know what racing down his backbone to settle directly somewhere south of his belt buckle.

Ed fidgeted in his seat and raised his hand for another bowl. “You fucking owe me for this, you know. You owe me.”

“Did the young lady... not do a good job?” Havoc asked him, and he was glad he hadn’t been eating or he would have choked to death at the question.

He looked up into the man’s face and wondered if the Lieutenant realized the kind of question he was asking. Then he realized something that surprised him.

Havoc’s face was the most open and honest he had seen in quite some time. There were no secrets in those eyes, no ulterior motives hidden behind the curve of smile and the haze of smoke. Just an openness that Ed was finding harder and harder to find the more he traveled. It was rare that someone spoke to him so plainly, especially now and especially when they found out exactly who he was. It disarmed him.

“I suppose she did an all right job,” Ed mumbled, thanking the server and almost sticking his head in the bowl, hoping the steam would be a good cover for the heat on his face. “I just... it felt so... invasive.”

Havoc snorted. “Hm. Never quite heard it described like that. Invasive.”

“It was supposed to be pleasurable, right? Well, I’m still wondering what all the fuss was about.”

Havoc blinked at him in some sort of shock. “Still wondering... she was amazing! Didn’t she at least get a little rise out of you?”

“A rise?”

“You know what I mean.” Havoc waved a hand suggestively near his waist. “A... rise.”

Ed blushed and shrugged, wondering what the hell he was missing. “Only after she started on the... you know what.”

Havoc looked at him, then stared off into the space right over Ed's left shoulder for a while. It gave Ed time to finish another bowl and half before the older man slapped a hand over his face and groaned.

“Oh, damn,” he said almost painfully. “I should have... I’m such a moron! No wonder Lian – oh, I’m so damned sorry, Ed.” He shook his head and chuckled ruefully. “I, of all people should have realized sooner.”

Ed’s chopsticks paused halfway between his bowl and his mouth. “Realized what?” he asked cautiously, feeling a realization coming on that actually might solve his current confusion.

“I feel like such a damned hypocrite. I of all people should have realized that just because you’re a guy, doesn’t mean that you need a girl to answer all of your... ah... questions.” He shook his head. “I should have noticed. But then, everyone I know always said I was a little slow on the uptake where that was concerned.”

“Don’t need a girl... what do you mean?”

Havoc gave him a speculative glance. “That girl didn’t do anything for you, did she? She didn’t make you feel anything?”

Ed fought the heat back down from his face again. “She got the job done, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You know that’s not what I’m asking.”

No, she didn't do anything for him... The vision of the wide expanse of well-muscled chest he’d gotten a eyeful of that morning rose in his vision again and Ed actually felt his bottom jaw unhinging slightly. “Well... I mean...” He sighed and finally gave in, voicing his most pertinent concern. “Something must be wrong with me,” he sighed dejectedly.

“Why?” Havoc tilted his head, blowing smoke out of the corner of his mouth. “Because the girl didn’t turn you on? Nothing wrong with that. Maybe you get your kicks on the other side of the sheet, so to speak.”

“The other...?”

“With guys, Ed. It might be that you like men, Boss.”

That realization thrashed Ed thoroughly about the head and shoulders and left him staring like a dolt. Well. That was a simple answer to his predicament. Almost too simple. “But... I read somewhere that there were people who thought that kind of thing was wrong. Unnatural,” he blurted.

And then that open and honest face changed into something that reminded Ed that this was a very dangerous soldier in front of him. He’d only seen that look on Havoc’s face once or twice in all of the years he’d known the man, and the only couple times he’d seen it directed at him was when he’d said something completely stupid.

“Do I look unnatural to you?”

Ed tried and failed miserably to ignore the danger in that question. He couldn’t stop his own voice from shaking as he answered, “No! I mean... wait... but you – I’ve seen you with women! And I’ve heard all about your competition with Colonel Mustang.” He halted right before he reminded Havoc that in those competitions he always lost. Ed figured that would not go over well.

Havoc shrugged, and the look left his face reluctantly. “Your eyes weren’t fooling you. I like them both. Women and men. Equally.”

Ed blinked. “You... do?”

“Uh-huh. Always have.”

Ed played with the remnants of the noodles in his bowl. “How did you know?” he asked carefully.

Havoc thought for a while. “Not sure. I remember a guy coming up to me like I had a sign over my head or something and things went from there.” He gave a short laugh. “There are some people who can practically tell which way the wind blows by the way you walk into a room. Apparently I’m not one of them.” He stubbed out his cigarette and almost immediately lit up another. “Look, I can take you back to Lian’s. She can set you up with one of her boys –”

“Hell no!” Ed almost shouted. He subsided in his chair when the stray few people in the shop turned toward them. “Hell no,” he said more quietly. “I don’t think I want some stranger to... to... do that to me.” He shook his head so fast he made himself dizzy. “Nope. No way.”

Havoc nodded. “I understand." The man sighed and leaned back in his chair, lacing his hands behind his head. "Well then, I guess you’re going to have to find out on your own then.”

Now that was how he'd gotten into this mess in the first place! Trying to find out on his own... “How the hell do I do that?”

“You find someone you are attracted to and is inclined the same way, get to know him, then you approach him.”

Ed stared again. Havoc said it like it was as easy as breathing. He shook his head. The Lieutenant went from being a true sage to being as thick as the walls of Central Headquarters. Just walk up to somebody, make friends, then ask them to give him a handjob. Just like that. And just like that, I’ll trip over the Philosopher’s Stone and make everything right again. “You’re out of your mind.”

“Well, how else do you think you’ll find out?”

“Maybe I’ll be lucky like you and have some guy fall all over himself just to get to me.”

“I didn’t say it was like that. The guy actually had to get me good and drunk first. It wasn’t like I was telling the entire world that I wanted to take it where the sun never shines.”

“You make it sound so appealing. Like that doctor’s exam.”

The smile on Havoc's face was downright twisted. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Guess I’ll never know, huh?” Ed said bitterly.

“Trust me. The right time will come and you’ll find out.”

Ed’s appetite suddenly left him high and dry. He shoved the bowl back and leaned back in his chair, wondering why the hell he was having this kind of stupid conversation with this man. It wasn’t as if the guy was any kind of help. First he embarrassed him, then mortified him, then totally confused him. What had he done to deserve any of this? This punishment was utterly unequal; nothing he could have done would have earned him such humiliation.

Then it occurred to him. He was right. It was unequal. The Law had not been satisfied. Something evil and wicked, that something his mother always despaired of, tapped him on the back of his head and laid out a payment plan that was really as simple as breathing. He took a deep breath, rubbed his hands together, laid them flat on the table and leaned forward.

“Okay,” he said. Something in his voice must have alerted Havoc, because the man’s eyes narrowed and he almost stilled, like a small animal that sensed a predator coming for it. “Okay. Listen up. I want to find out now. Not later, not when the right time comes. Now. And you know what?" He jabbed a finger in the Lieutenant's direction. "You’re gonna show me.”

Ed would have sworn the man was going to swallow the cigarette. Instead, his bottom jaw opened and the thing fell out of his mouth and hit the floor lit end first. “W-What?”

“Find somebody I know, you say? Well, I know you. As well as I’m gonna know anybody. And you know my predicament. And you owe me for that... mess back at that brothel. So you’re gonna show me.”

“Sh-show-show you what?”

“You know what.”

“You’re crazy! I can’t –”

“Why not? Am I that ugly?”

“Hell no!”

Ed leaned back suddenly, catching a hint of something in Havoc’s eyes that spoke more volumes on the subject than were in the library.

“I mean... no, you’re not ugly. It just that... damn.

“Damn what?” Ed pressed.

“You’re part of my company, Boss! That’s like – I don’t know – being with Breda or Feury or somebody like that.” Havoc shook his head. “Well... Breda, no. Feury, maybe – but that’s beside the point – I –”

As much as that babbling comment piqued Ed’s curiosity, he left it alone. “Let me explain something to you. Working with an alchemist all the time, you should know about this. It’s called equivalent exchange, Lieutenant Havoc. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. I lost my dignity in that place when all I wanted to do was obtain some information. That was your fault. Now, I don’t want to take your dignity, but you made a wrong move back there. Now you have to make it right. I get to call how you do that.”

“Fuck.”

“Exactly. As simple as that.”


*pets pretty, lovely story*

been reading a while now, after reading gwf about a week ago. love, love, your characterizations. you made me fall in love with jean! and the idea of jean/ed. i am so looking forward to the next chapter.

Perfect as always, dear. I love your characterizations and the dialogue makes me smile. I am always amazed at your work. It has such a crisp feel to that pulls the reader through so easily. Love it muchly.

*realizes with remorse that she has far too few Havoc icons*

i think the world has too few havoc icons.

Havoc needs to learn that no good deed goes unpunished XD.

Oh, and just to let you know, I Rec'd GWF, this, and TGP over on campersfuckoff (an OOC comm for a camp-based multifandom crack RP known as campfuckudie)as a way for the players to get to know about each other's characters without going through all the source material.

So the lovely crack is spreading!

mwahahaha.... next step -- world domination!

j/k... thanks, hon!

::laughs:: This is going downhill faster than my career as a singer... and I sing horrible by the way... My god, I've been reading this since the beginning... I actually started on your crack with GWF 23, but for whatever reason, I never posted to tell you how much your story kicks major ass! And it kicks SO much ass! I love your writing style, and my love for Havoc has grown exponentially...! I never thought of Havoc/Ed before [I usually call it HavEd which sounds like Have Ed for dinner!] and it seems so plausible when you write it it makes me crazy to have not thought about it before. 0.o ::runs around:: Don't even get me started on The Gentle Persuasion, because that is just... ::falls over::

No. I'm not a psychotic as I seem to be. I'm 3 times as much! ::insert maniacal laugh # 32 here::

hee!

thank you honey! i'm glad you're liking this, cause it's just going to get crazier!

HeeHee. Ed is so quick to turn things around. Next chapter should be fun for them both.

well... maybe fun for Havoc... *snerk*

After all, Ed is a prodigy. XD

“You’re part of my company, Boss! That’s like – I don’t know – being with Breda or Feury or somebody like that.” Havoc shook his head. “Well... Breda, no. Feury, maybe – but that’s beside the point – I –”


“Fuck.”

“Exactly. As simple as that.”

Those lines SLAYED me. So sweet of Jean to drag poor Ed into the noodle shop and "confess" to him his preferences to make him feel better. So EBIL of Ed to think up that Equivalent Exchange. ;) But it's going to be soo soo hot! YAY. I wondered just HOW you were going to get them tumbling into bed together and THIS is perfect.

Re: After all, Ed is a prodigy. XD

ditto with the choice of quotes.


muwahahahaha excellent ^-^ you did a wonderful job with this chapter.
~Leaf~

NEXT CHAPTER. NOW. END OF STORY.

Good grief that was hilarious. I'm stealing your Havoc and marrying him (well, no, I suppose I'll find him a short little petulant Alchemist to marry) because he is AMAZING.

Now spit out the next section. NOW. You're holding out on me!

*snerk* i wouldn't mess with havoc if i were you... unless you want that petulant alchemist to transmute you into a potted plant or something....

next chap on friday, hon...

and WHERE is EN next?

<3
Always knew he was an equivalent exchange nazi. *griiiiiiiiin*
You've made this ko-chibi-chan happy!

"the world's one and only law"...

and ed follows it well! *snicker*

Bwahahahaha!!! I am getting the biggest crush on Havoc. I love how he's so natural and laid back about (almost) everything, and I love how Ed just turned the tables on him. Not many things can make a cig fall out of the man's mouth. XD Also totally right for Ed to decide something and then be all, "this is how it's gonna be, PERIOD."

Still, have no idea how it'll go down (so to speak). Can't wait for next chapter!! :DDD

XDDD... wait until you see what these doggone muses told me about the whole thing.

*ahem*

go edo, go edo, go-go-go edo!

*bows and walks away*

-goes down on hands and knees and drops her head- OMFG!!! you are teh best!! lol can't wait for next chapter!! your writing style is superb!! -hopes to god the flattering will make her have pity on us fans and put next chapter on soon..- XD!!!


ish it working??! 8D

“Fuck.”

“Exactly. As simple as that.”

I am dead. You have killed me. (for like.. the six thousandth time XD) You so totally pwn. ♥!